el_nic | There's distance and there's silence, your words have never left me

I wish I had started this days ago. My brain has been spinning, spinning, spinning...

I’m going to cut and paste some here (with a bit of editing) because I’ve typed so much about it to Shan and a few others in a group chat over the course of the last few days. Some of her comments are incorporated. I tried to credit her but it got too convoluted.

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After dinner with the chillest (Spicoli-like) waiter who sported some Charlie Sexton 1989 / Bono-Reagan-Blue-Black hair, my sis-in-law Kerry, ruidoso & John and I headed over to the Murat. I noticed as we snapped pics out front that the bus & trucks were parked just right there. Hmmm.

We caught up in the lobby with my old Indy pals Angela & Adam, who purchased Shan’s extra seats. Shannon: “I was “surprised you were available last minute to go out on a Wednesday night.” They told me they had begun “The year of not saying no.” So every time they get an offer they say yes. And I was like HEY, THERE’S A SONG CALLED JUST SAY YES and at the end of the year you should make a video of all your pics of your adventures and that should be the soundtrack!!

I splurged on a super overpriced bottle of my favorite wine since it was a special occasion, and got (yet another) Snow Patrol shirt, both of which we put in Kerry’s backpack. Earlier, I tucked my extra phone battery, a cord, and the deluxe Wildness book in there, just in case…

Kerry and I were seated directly in front of Pablo in the first permanent row of the theater, but for this show they added two additional rows in front. Those people were crammed in there tight, with a rail separating us. So though I was technically in the third row, I had a rail to hang on to should I need it - nice! But: I had been wondering about a theater show for months… “Will everyone stand?”

Shan and John were a row behind us, much more to center.

We heard the final three of Dan Mangum’s opening act songs. I was underwhelmed and thought he seemed a bit overwhelmed? He did a fun crowd interactive singalong thing that I did very much enjoy and he seemed happy, so I was happy. And then… was it really almost time?

Just before the show started, Kerry realized she spilled the entire bottle of wine inside her backpack.

And then it was finally time. I used Shazam to to identify the “take the stage song” - Sam Fender’s Play God (I am now obsessed and have listened to it four times during this flight making my way home.)

The lights went down, Play God blared, the crowd LEAPT to their feet, I just knew it was going to be a great night. And HOLY SHIT, was it ever. I am beyond thankful for that crowd.

It’s not breaking news that I am terrible about reviewing / recapping / anything re: actual shows. But here’s this one thing:

Gary mentioned it was World Depression Awareness Day (or whatever it's called) and said the usual bit about Life On Earth but added it, “Broke me 50 times and mended me 51 times so thank fuck for this song. It saved me.” He talked about when he was at his lowest, darkest place, alone in Los Angeles, when he saw a friend of the band. And unbeknownst to him, that person called back to England and the UK.… And he had no idea but as a result of that call, when he opened his door, all four band members were standing there. He choked up and turned around with his back to the crowd to collect himself for a quick second when Pablo came over and hugged him. Gary mentioned he wouldn’t cry because that fucks up his voice and he knows holding it in is bad overall, but for our sake, doing so was good. It was a sweet moment of lightness on the tail of something deep. I think I later said it was “heartbreaking and healing” all at once.

As we left the theater and Angela, Adam and Kerry headed to a bar - I had to chase after them when I realized my Wildness book was in the soggy backpack. Thankfully, the book is fine but it looks well loved - the corners are a bit iffy.

When I got to the crowd near outside theater, I was sure there’d be the usual: lining up, generally being caged in, waiting, and hoping... I am not aggressive enough at all in situations like this. But! I didn’t need to be as the entire band was just out there, with no barricades, mingling about as if we were all at a cocktail party or something! It was INSANE to me.

We talked to Jonny Quinn first and he was sweet and engaging (and has perfect teeth.)

When it was our turn to approach Gary…

I think I said…"I handed you a note in New York City this Spring that mentioned how my interpretation of the song New York is probably different than how it is intended.” And he said, “Oh yes!” I’m certain he didn’t recall our brief meeting, but there was a spark in his eye and I honestly think, if nothing else, he remembers the sentiment of the card.

I continued… “I think the note was kind of convoluted and maybe hard to follow?” But what I was really trying to get at is… that particular song, New York, got me through a really tough time.” (If you’re playing along at home, that time was when my sister clever_name died.) And he said “That song…” and his voice trailed off. And then I choked up - but no tear fell, and I was determined to keep it together. And he just... looked at me. And I knew he understood what I was trying to convey.

I’m just going to fucking claim that moment. It was... intense. We just kept looking at each other. And he opened up his arms and pulled me close. And I was choking it all back and soaking it all in. A good, long, tight hug. My head was buried in him, and my brain was exploding, I was trying to memorize everything, and I was thinking “Man, he’s got some bony shoulders” all at the same time.

And when our hug ended, we looked at each other again and his big eyes had welled up.

When I messaged about it later, Shan interjected: “You guys were so locked in and I wish I had been filming or something but also the moment was like too intimate for that?”

It was intense.

So, I grabbed Shan’s arm and said “Please meet my best friend - we have more than 25 years of music loving history.” (or something like that? It’s blurry…)

And he seemed genuinely moved by that, too!

He and Shannon hugged - I will let her tell her own story…

When I handed my phone to some strangers to snap a pic they were kind of stunned, I think? I’m pretty sure they watched and heard it all.

I could feel myself shaking. But I’d said everything I wanted to, we were clearly done, and he needed to move on to the next group of fans. There was a final quick, serious eye lock moment and one more thank you, back and forth - this time between all three of us.

And I felt like I was flying.

When that bit (Bit!? amazing once in a lifetime thing is more like it!) was over, Shannon hugged me so hard - I was still tearing up but managed not to lose my shit. And during that hug, I was sooooo thinking of Kara. And of the particular road in Germany I would speed through just after she died, with the top down on my old car, BLASTING New York over and over and over. I would drive and drive there, and I would dream of and imagine how an exchange about New York with Gary might go. The EXACT exchanged I just managed to have: Not too wordy, or too “much” - a sincere conveyance of how much Fallen Empires all meant and still means to me.

Whew. Just thinking about it… I need a drink.

So anyway:

We talked to Pablo, who addressed the crowd in general: “This was the most fun I’ve had in ages!” Then he said there was no beer backstage and “I’ve been drinking fecking whiskey all night!” as he took another chug. He had a sharpie cap in his mouth and he quoted the guy from the A Team who always had a cigar in his mouth: “I love it when a good plan comes together!” then he want on a tangent about “Don’t watch old TV shows you loved as a kid - they never hold up. Like how BA was the coolest when you’re a kid but as an adult he is a “poosy” who doesn’t want to get on a plane or drink milk…

So after Tattoo Talk with Nathan™ (a story I will let Shannon tell)…

I was drunk with power and as were about to walk from Nate, I looked over my right shoulder at him and said “Oh, hey: I’ll be at the show in Ft. Lauderdale and if you wanted to bring back the dragonfly pants THAT WOUKD BE A-OKAY BY ME.” (note: WTF. Was I possessed with power? I can not believe I had such balls.)

He said “They were stolen!” And I said “I know!” (In my brain: Also, I am a stalker. Also our pal Amy identified them!) I said “But I thought you got a replacement pair?” He said “No, I wish! They were special!” And I said “Oh yeah, THEY WERE SPECIAL ALL RIGHT.” (Shan mentioned she had to walk away because this was a “one on one” convo and whoooo boy were we flirting. IT WAS PURE ADRENALINE.

Comments Shan had:

A mom and daughter team said hi to the drummer and the mom said "She plays drums and she was disappointed not to get any drumsticks" so he said "wait here" then RAN INSIDE AND GOT HER TWO STICKS

Pablo was signing and this girl gave him her setlist but it was torn in half and he said "i can get you a better one than that" AND HE RAN INSDE AND BROUGHT OUT A STACK OF THEM then signed them and handed them out

Pabs brought the set lists over to Gary, and Gary said to him: “Shall I make this one out to Paul?” (Then Pablo asked for a photo and he and Gary posed together. Someone, somewhere has a GREAT pic on their phone.)

There was a massive crowd of people waiting to talk to Gary and he stood there and talked to every single person. like. every single one.

The next day, I had a long ass drive from Indy to Holland, Michigan w/ Kerry. I quizzed her about the show in the car, and transcribed it to our group chat. And holy shit if she didn’t hit every nail on the head:

“I’ve never been to a concert but that felt electric. There was an energy exchange in the room and between the band members.”

“I really enjoyed watching their face the most. They must do the same thing in other cities, but it was genuine and some songs you could really tell were things they take to heart.”

“The singer and the piano player have a special connection. You can tell. And the piano player was really holding the singer up at times.”

“I was really watching their faces. And you could tell the crowd was energizing them. It was really interesting to see them make eye contact with specific fans.”

“The singer seems very introspective.”

“You just couldn’t take your eyes off of all of it. If I’m at something like seeing a play, my mind wanders. But not this. It was over so fast, and it was so intense. I never had a discrattionary thought.”

“So do you and Shannon do this because of the music? Or the people? Or the experience?” (Yes, Kerry. Yes. To all of that.)

“Our seats! Oh my gosh…”

“A shared experience of a pretty intense level. I’m so glad Shannon’s husband enjoys it and I wish ours did. It’s intense!”

And finally, she summed it all up best: “It’s an emotional roller coaster. Not in a bad way. Like being on a ride.”

My heart is full.

The pics are all over here.

*note: I wrote this on the plane and am finishing this post in the Delta Lounge in ATL and D and his White Water Rafting 50th Birthday Buddies are headed this way. Apparently, this is the airport where, as soon as a concert related trip is over, I finally have the ugly cry.

**I have not proofread this. I know the font is screwed up throughout. I am having that drink I wanted paragraphs ago. But I'm done for now, before re-entry.

*** Thank you for reading along.

**** I'm back almost a week later to try to fix the font, spacing, and errors. Eh. I tried. It is what it is.